What does it mean to say “I’m sorry” for something? It is a phrase that we are taught to say when we have done something that we have become aware is a transgression against another person. But, aside from social convention, do these words have any real value? Do these words clear the transgression?
Teaching words to a person without emphasizing meaningful change of action, which led to the transgression, is of little value (aside from social convention).
Consider what the words/ sounds “I’m sorry” mean to a dog. Like all sounds to all animals, it means nothing on its own. When pairing it with something that the dog is likely to respond to, it becomes something of value. For example, a dog owner with an anger issue kicks his dog when frustrated. After the owner settles down, he apologizes to the dog and pets it on the head. In his (the owner’s head) he has corrected the transgression and the dog is supposed to acknowledge the apology, forgive the transgression, and forget what has happened.
What might the dog have learned after years of this process? My owner gets angry and kicks me a lot. Then he pets me and says words that seem to make him feel better. I really like when he pets me, but it is only after he kicks me. I have tried to learn all the words he says so I can be a good dog. The words “I’m sorry” seem to mean something to him but to me, they are the words he says when the beatings have stopped for the time being. I must be on the lookout for when he’s angry, so he doesn’t hurt me so much. I try to be a good dog and love him, but he hurts me a lot.
How have we taught those around us what the words “I’m sorry” mean when we say them? Do they mean that we wish we hadn’t done what we did, that we ask for forgiveness, and that we will do everything within our control to ensure it won’t happen again? Or, are we just saying words when we know we messed up?
Words without substance have little value. When you use the words “I’m sorry” do your best to change the behavior to reduce risk of repeating it. If you find you are unable to do it on your own, get help.
-This article is written as a reflection to my work with people with substance use disorders. They frequently apologize for hurting those around them and continue to do the behavior which they are apologizing for. Over time, “I’m sorry” means nothing to the family of an addict. In early recovery, the words “I’m sorry” can still mean little (as it should). The behaviors indicating that a change is taking place (i.e., staying clean) have much more value than idle words.
To the angry dog owner: Stop kicking your dog- this will be a true apology.
Therapist Speaks 